Balance.
What comes up for you when you hear the word?
It used to be something I actively strived for. Healthy eating, fit body. Lively social life. Organization. Structure with work. Routine at home. Having these things meant I was getting it right-- that my life was in balance.
Lately I have been rethinking the word and what it really means beyond these things.
Balance in sharing my most personal stories and maintaining that part that chooses to remain private.
Balance in saying yes to new experiences and not being disappointed when saying no is the best option.
Balance in leaning into some relationships and veering back from others.
This last month has been a real season of change and acceptance. I am learning every day to trust myself in making the best decision moment by moment, and to be okay with those very choices.
What is balance looking like for you right now? What are the things you are needing to accept and let go of?
A great place to start is by looking at what has changed in your life.
What relationships have grown, or possibly become distant? What new chapters have started in your life recently? What realizations have you had that are coming to light?
Lay it out in your mind or write it down.
As you look back on the moving parts of your life, try to visualize the word BALANCE.
When we are experiencing a lot of change, it can feel tough to think of our lives as being in balance. The idea of the word meaning that everything is perfectly in alignment has got to go.
Reframing it as growth and constant change, with constant moving parts, and acceptance and reflection, allows us the opportunity to be a little kinder to ourselves as we see what is in front of us.
You are doing the best you can, every day.
Balance is ebbing and flowing with your life.
Here's to ebbing. Here's to flowing.
How to Stop Letting Comparison Get in the Way
I met with a client recently who is planning to launch her own business at the end of spring. She has all the things laid out.
Website
Photos
Marketing plan
Opt-in for her site
Blog
Work is in motion. Progress is being made. There is pride. And there is also fear. Lots of it in fact.
Fear shows up in the form of “not being enough.”
It looks like getting up in the morning to knock off a few things on the list of to-do’s, getting side-tracked by checking emails, then checking social media, and then checking out another website from a professional in the same industry.
The comparison kicks in:
SHE has more followers.
SHE is really successful.
SHE has awesome products.
SHE is so talented.
The thoughts keep rolling, and by my next session with my client, she has totally convinced herself to just stop. To throw in the towel. Someone is already doing what she wants to do, and doing it better. Why waste my time?, she says.
Someone out there IS doing something similar yes. The easy thing to do is to stop and give up. To let go of the ambition, the fight, the determination, the hard work. To say enough is enough.
But is that what SHE did? Did SHE get where SHE is by stopping? No. We get where we go in life by charging through, even when the going gets tough.
Whether, like my client, you are contemplating starting your own business, or you are dealing with other personal matters where you see other people totally thriving, try to remember that we ALL have had our mountains to climb, battles to fight, and roads to cross.
We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
That’s how we get the thing we want so badly for ourselves. By showing up, and doing the work, even when that part of us is convinced SHE is doing it better.
SHE is out there doing it in her own, unique way. Her voice and her stories are her own. Nobody out there can do it your way, other than you.
So get out there and be your own SHE.
Tell your stories. Own your voice. Do your important work.
SHE is waiting.
Why It's Time To Stop Apologizing
How many times have you said, “I’m sorry” recently?
Sorry for running a few minutes late.
Sorry for brushing past somebody.
Sorry for talking about you and your life.
My husband read an article recently and shared that his New Year’s Resolution is to stop over-using the word ‘sorry’ and start saying ‘thank you’ in its place. I was curious what he meant by that.
Instead of being sorry you’re running late, you might say, “thanks for waiting for me.” Or, how about a simple “excuse me” when you brush past a stranger on the street? And my favorite, instead of apologizing to a friend for talking about your life while catching up, what if we said, “Thanks for listening to me. Now, I really want to hear about you. Tell me what’s been going on over on your end.”
After thinking about, it just makes sense to adopt this outlook on “I’m sorry” versus “thank you.” We are constantly apologizing… and for what? For being human? For having a body that takes up space? For wanting to connect with our friends?
I’m choosing to create extra awareness around this simple language. The moment I started practicing this shift in my dialogue, I noticed just how frequently I apologize. It is going to take a while before it becomes habit, but so far, it has been a fun challenge. It feels like a subtle loving reminder to myself, that hey, you didn’t do anything bad here, take it easy on yourself.
Let’s stop apologizing where an apology really is not due. Instead, let’s choose to be kinder to ourselves by creating positive dialogue in our daily adventures. The best part is, saying “thank you” really does promote a more uplifting space. People on the receiving end will feel it too. By saying “I’m sorry” you set the scene that YOU are at fault somehow. Whereas, “thank you” implies that those on the receiving end have demonstrated some kind of courtesy and gesture of kindness, which they likely have by being a great listener, or waiting patiently for you to arrive. Saying “thank you” serves as a way to appreciate others, and ultimately rips the Blame Band-Aid off you.
We have enough on our plates daily. Let’s choose to be more intentional about how we are communicating about ourselves and show people we appreciate their kindness towards us with a simple, “thank you.”
3 Ways to Simply Your Life
Over the last few weeks I have made it a priority to clean up my life.
What I mean by that, is literally simplifying everything from my wardrobe to what I cook for dinner to how I problem-solve. I have tried my hardest to approach life from a simplifying mindset as much as possible.
Why? Because, clutter.
We have so much going on in our lives. We have so many options and choices (a wonderful, blessed thing for sure) but it sometimes can lead to overwhelm.
Case in point, I recently went with my husband to finalize cabinets for our kitchen. The designer said we would need to choose a color for our cabinets. I thought, easy, white cabinets! Oh, but not so easy! There are hundreds of whites to choose from, I find out. [Cue the overwhelm.] So, moving forward I am sticking to my simplicity plan. Pick my favorite 3, and then go with the one I like best.
No second guessing. No doubting. Just choose, and stick to it.
Another effort to simplify recently was with my wardrobe. After donating clothes I have not worn in the last year, I now walk into my wardrobe feeling refreshed and excited for what to wear. The items remaining in my closet are things I love and look forward to wearing. Bonus: I finally threw away the jeans that had been collecting dust as I waited to fit back into them. The most hilarious part is that I DO fit into them now, but I do not like the jeans! I’ve realized they are outdated (low rise, anyone??) and they remind me of the constant dread I put myself through to wear them again someday. I felt an emotional release the moment they hit the donation pile! The jeans do not serve me at all in my life. In fact, they never have. Jeans, no matter which ones, are not a reflection of my self worth, nor are they a reflection of yours.
Keeping any clothing around that is a stand in for your self-worth is really a reflection of the self-love needing to be seen. Throw them jeans away if they are not positively serving you.
Simplifying might not be for everyone, but after chatting with one of my favorite lady clients, I felt inspired by her goal to simplify and it has since spiraled into a fun personal project. I thought about my own life and how I can let things go that really do not serve me or bring me joy. It has been an incredible practice that I plan to continue this year.
Will you join me in making this your year to simplify? It frees up all kinds of physical, emotional, and mental clutter. Remember to keep it easy, peasy girl. And tell me about it! I want to know how you will make things simpler around you.
How to Deal with Fake Nice People
When she smiles at you, but her eyes tell a different story.
When she walks by and says hey, but her body language is frosty.
When she makes that teeny, tiny dig at you with her sweet as pie tone.
I’m talking about fake nice people.
Within the last week alone, I have had several women in my life reach out about tough situations they have encountered with others.
It’s like a new wave of mean girls have emerged, but worse in a way, because they are masked in their nice girl exterior.
I think most people who have been the target of some fake-nicery, would agree that these people are not bad people. Many of these women are typically great to be around. So, what gives? What is up with the fake-niceness?
For starters, I think we all struggle with confrontation from time to time (myself included). But when efforts to avoid it and positive intentions to brush it under the rug backfire, true feelings buried away start to burst at the seams. Maybe deep down, there are hurt feelings somewhere, or feelings of frustration and fear. Either way, there IS something brewing inside and for some people, it shows up in the form of fake niceness.
So, how do you deal when you are the target?
I always like to think about my choices (because, yes, we certainly have them!) What choices do you have in the situation? The most transparent choice that pops up in my mind when dealing with fake nice behavior is simply to ignore it. While I think this option can be the most effective in certain situations, it all depends on the relationship. If we are talking about someone you have very limited contact with, then this seems like a viable option. However, if you work closely with the person, or if the person is a friend or family member who you interact with frequently, then I think you may need to consider option 2, which is to care to confront.
When I think of caring to confront, it means getting in touch with the part of you that really wants to problem solve and make the situation better. When you deal with fake niceness, you might feel trapped in a way because if others are present, it might seem to them like everything is just fine—and this is certainly the message someone who is being fake nice wants to portray. But you feel the tension, or the sting of their body language or undertones telling you how they really feel. It is frustrating because you care about this relationship. You can’t get it out of your mind because you know you do not want to continue feeling the disconnect or discomfort. Do not go to option 2 if you are in the heat of the moment. (Learn how to create some pause by checking out a post I wrote previously here). After you digest what has happened and how you are feeling, you can address the situation later.
When you are ready to address the situation, I recommend using DEAR MAN[1]. It is an acronym in DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, that goes a little something like this:
Describe: Describe the situation to the person, while sticking to facts only
Express: Express your feelings and opinions about the situation
Assert: Assert what you want or are saying no to
Reinforce: Reinforce the positive effects of getting what you want or need
(Stay) Mindful: Keep your focus, do not get lost in the other person’s comments
Appear Confident: Stand your ground, keep your voice steady, and make eye contact
Negotiate: Work with the other person to meet at common ground; be willing to give some
The idea here is to state the facts, share your feelings, assert what you want, and be willing to completely hear the other person out. Here is a quick example:
“Hey Corinne, can we chat? [DESCRIBE] You know when we were having lunch the other day? I was talking about taking a trip with my husband this winter and when I glanced at you, I saw that you made a look over at Tina. [EXPRESS] I am worried that maybe I said something that might have rubbed you the wrong way. [ASSERT] I want to be sure that we are all good [REINFORCE] so our friendship can keep feeling awesome.”
Sometimes other people, even the fake nice ones, need us to show them how their words or actions are impacting us. Let’s not be afraid to confront the people we care about. I think the key thing to remember is that we have choices. When someone hurts us with their words or behavior towards us, we can look at it and go, “what is really bothering me here?” and “how can I help myself in this situation?” Sometimes the best option is to keep the peace through letting it go, and sometimes the best option is to keep the peace by caring to confront. Notice the similarity in both scenarios? Both are rooted in keeping the peace. You can’t go wrong either way with an intention like that.
[1] From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan