It's May. And that means it is also National Foster Care Month.
Foster care holds a very special place in my heart because I myself was a foster child from the time I was 13. Each family I lived with had their own way of doing things, and I learned very quickly how to adapt, not stand out, blend in, and acclimate to my new families. I also learned early on how to be my own advocate, how to take care of myself, save money, and become my own support system. There were moments in each home I felt glimpses of nurture and love, and there were often many times I felt like an imposter, like someone who did not really belong.
The greatest thing I learned being in foster care was ultimately that I am somebody who can stand tall on my own two feet despite the challenges life tossed along the way. I learned that I can have the kind of life I want and crave for myself by believing in it enough and paving a way to make it happen. I also learned that all the stability and love I need, I ultimately provide for myself.
When you look up the word "foster," it means to encourage or promote the development of. Throughout May, as we recognize National Foster Care Month, I ask that you join me in fostering love. Whichever aligns best with where you are at in your life right now, here are some ideas to help you get started so you too can foster love this month:
1. YOU. Yes, you! Foster yourself. We are our best selves when we nourish and love from within, first and foremost. What is one think you can encourage, or support the development of within yourself this month?
2. A child. Whether it's working with a child one-on-one to facilitate their growth and learning, volunteering in some way to give back to kids (my favorite organization is CASA), or the BIG one- actually fostering a child if you have the means and are in a place in your life where it feels right.
3. Those who are experiencing mental health conditions. National Mental Health Awareness month also happens to fall in May. It's a great time to pledge solidarity with friends, family, and even strangers who are living through tough challenges with mental health. The National Alliance on Mental Illness offers a ton of ways you can show your support and that you are #IntoMentalHealth.
4. Animals. Because they need love too! Check your local area for fostering opportunities with pets. I have several friends who fostered pups before adopting them. If allergies aren't a problem, and you have loads of love (and patience!) to share with an animal friend, this could be for you!
5. Plants. By far the simplest way we can support the development of another living thing is by taking care of plants. They are also one of the best reminders to care for ourselves (hey, we need sunshine and water too!)
6. Your community. From recycling to picking up the trash along your street, there are tons of ways you can chip in around where you live. It could even be as simple as joining Next Door, an online social community, where you can make the town you live in a better (and safer) place!
7. Those who need our help! From people living with intellectual and developmental disabilities to those who are homeless, there are many ways we can help. Find an organization in your area that speaks to the cause you are most passionate about and get involved. My favorites are Best Buddies and local soup kitchens.
So, are you in? Will you be joining me this month in fostering love? If you're on Instagram, share your efforts by posting your pictures using the hashtag #fosterlove. Please let me know if you have other ideas for fostering love that are not on my list by replying to me here, or leaving a comment over on Instagram.
When It's Time to Let Go of a Friendship
I have a really good friend.
A friend who I love with every ounce of my heart. She is positive, witty and fun, smart, caring, and understanding. We’ve been friends for years and have so much in common. We like the same things, laugh at the same things. Hopefully you know exactly what I’m talking about because you have this kind of friend too.
Here’s where it gets tough to talk about though. This friend, for as amazing as she is, has also let me down a lot over the last year. She doesn’t call like she used to. She backs out of our get-togethers often. She seems to not have time for me like she used to.
I’ve tried on my end to reach out, to understand what may be coming up for her in her own life that might be getting in the way. I’ve considered what I might be doing or not doing that could be pushing her away. Is it me? Is there something she is distancing herself from? I could keep going on with every possibility I’ve considered as to why it feels like I’m losing one of my best friends.
Maybe at this point you might be wondering if I have asked her directly what’s going on. And the answer is yes. There have been multiple times where something personal has been going on in her life that has prevented her from being there. But at what point do you have to wonder if she’s being totally honest with you about it? If she really is busy or going through that really personal thing or just can’t make it this time. At what point do you have to get really honest with yourself and say how much longer am I going to allow myself to be hurt by this friend?
This is the tough question. At what point is it time to let go? How do you let go when it is someone you really care about?
I’ve been avoiding this question. And avoidance is usually the number one indicator that something is wrong. (Anyone else with me in totally avoiding the things we oftentimes know we must do?)
It’s time, guys. I know this friendship needs my attention. I have to take care of me. I love this friend dearly, and by no means am I cutting her out of my life, but I know that I have to stop expecting so much from her. I will continue to be there for her when she needs me, but I will stop setting myself up for disappointment by thinking she will come through. I will take what this friend is willing to offer me in terms of a friendship and expect nothing more. I will celebrate when we are together and enjoy my time with her. But I will not allow myself to get hurt by my own expectations of her being the friend I used to know. That friend has changed, and that’s okay, because I’ve changed too. We grow up, and we change. If we can grow up and change together, that is the ideal, but both people have to fully open themselves up to growing and changing together. One person all in just doesn’t cut it.
Maybe you can relate? Is there a friend in your life currently, or from your past, who you’ve had to let go of? I think we can give ourselves a little compassion in knowing that this is part of the journey and process of change and time doing its thing.
These experiences make me feel grateful for the people in my life who do continuously show up and meet me in the middle. These are the people who I want to pull even closer into my life.
Letting go is no easy thing. Recognizing the part of us that is hurt and saddened by the loss of the friendship, we can begin to heal without any anger or resentment. Instead we hold a space of love for what once was while simultaneously moving forward.
How to BFF Your Inner-Critic
I had a really important conversation with a coaching client recently. She shared how growing up, she constantly heard messages from her mom and sister about how unhappy they were with their bodies. The comments went a little something like:
Why did I eat that?
Look at this chub (while pinching their stomach)
I'm going to gain weight if I keep eating like this
I better go to the gym and burn this off (as they eat a piece of pizza)
I hate the way my nose looks
And the list goes on.
My heart broke a little as she shared this with me because I know we all know someone in our lives who says these very types of comments. If you're like me, that someone may have been, or might be yourself.
In my late teens, I was surrounded by women who nagged at their bodies, complained about their weight, and even at times, commented on my own. Later, in my early twenties, these kind of behaviors quickly became a part of how I perceived and interacted with my own body.
Self-care was not something I practiced, nor even knew about. I rode the wave of my life in unaware motions and the relationship I had with my body was a very unhealthy one. The comments above were part of a very mean, inner-dialogue that truthfully, I had no idea even existed.
It was not until I started practicing mindfulness. Learning tools to create more self-awareness allowed me to start observing what was being said in my mind- and it was not very nice.
We have enough going on around us in our lives, and when we adopt an inner dialogue that is mean and negative, we become our worst critic. I knew I would never in a million years talk to a friend the way I was talking to myself. Let's play out the comments from above for a minute as if they were said to a friend.
Why did you eat that?
Look at your chub
You're going to gain weight if you keep eating like that
You better go to the gym and burn off that pizza
I hate the way your nose looks
Just typing these in reverse makes me mad! I cannot imagine ever saying these kinds of things to anyone. For that reason, when I hear other women I am with critiquing the way their bodies look, or ridiculing themselves for eating (for eating!!!), or judging another woman's body shape, I challenge myself to say something. I do not want to be somebody who quietly observes these situations and sits back and watches. It is not genuine or authentic bonding and camaraderie.
If you are finding yourself in a situation where you hear comments like these from the people you are with, or are realizing that your inner dialogue is quite similar, you can do something to change it. While you cannot change another person’s beliefs, you can speak up and offer up your own views as another perspective. Give them something kinder to think about.
Ready to BFF your inner-critic? Try these two activities below now.
Journal exercise: Go back to the negative comments list and write out what you would say for each comment if a friend said them to you.
Bonus: Actually say them out loud next time you hear them in real-time; whether to someone else, or kindly back to yourself.
Why It's Time to Answer This Question Honestly
How do you respond when someone asks, “how are you?”
Good.
Okay.
Alright.
But, really, love.
How are you?
Are you good?
Are you okay?
Are you alright?
These responses are so commonly spoken that even when we are not good, okay, or alright, we find ourselves saying so anyway.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how we answer this question after receiving a beautiful email and blog request from a dear friend.
Her perspective is one that I think we all need to hear; and so, before I say any more, here is a note from my friend Annie:
“’How are you?’
In our culture, these words are common pleasantry, synonymous with hello. What's more, we automatically expect a positive response from the individual.
Why are we so afraid to open up when presented with this question? Most of us mask when we are hurting, quickly responding with 'fine' or maybe even 'great.'
These three words are a great source of discomfort for me. As a 32-year-old widow, I cannot and refuse to give the expected 'fine' response. I am struggling. I somehow have found myself in a room where the walls are caving in, gasping for enough air to keep me alive. That is how everyday feels like when you are living with grief. If you can't relate then consider yourself blessed.
An honest response should not make anyone uncomfortable. Challenge yourself to be honest and maybe even vulnerable. If you catch yourself on the flip side of it, know the person doesn't expect you to solve their problem. A simple acknowledgement will make all the difference.”
Annie’s words are so damn powerful.
Honestly, I typed and deleted and typed and deleted my thoughts to what she wrote for what seemed like a hundred times. What she said is deserving of a mic drop.
I know and believe with every ounce of my heart that we do not have to have the answers.
Our words do not have to be perfect.
My words do not have to be perfect, and neither do yours. We are not expected to say the right thing to make someone else’s pain or suffering go away. And quite frankly, I think it is safe to say that nobody is expecting us to do that. We cannot do that. What we can do is offer empathy and love by meeting people right where they are at, without trying to change or fix them.
We can start by shifting what it means to ask, and respond to, how are you?
It is not that we have to divulge every detail of our experience, but rather it is giving ourselves permission to state how we truly feel, to give what we feel a name that is greater than the glossy, simple words of fine, good, and great.
Vulnerability is opening ourselves up. It is feeling what we are feeling. It is being authentic to our experience and the experiences of those around us. Vulnerability is not pretending. It is welcoming the fact that you are human and that you are imperfect. It is remembering that life is hard sometimes. It is taking the good with the bad, it is honoring that we all have stories to tell. It is telling. It is listening.
At the end of the day, we all want to feel heard, to feel understood.
The next time someone asks how you are doing, I encourage you to pause, and find a word that really validates your experience. Whether you are excited, relaxed, busy, or sad, honor yourself by naming how you really feel. As Annie said above, it is likely that the other person may experience discomfort in your honesty, but just maybe, they will be inspired to be vulnerable too.
3 Daily Habits to Stop Overwhelm Now
I remember the days of going through the motions.
The moment I would get to work (heck, the moment I rolled out of bed to get ready for work!) my brain began creating the list.
You know the list.
The list of every single thing you need to tackle for the day. Work to-do's and at home to do’s are definitely part of the list. So are personal to-do’s, like squeezing in a workout or getting a hair cut; those things need to get done too.
[Cue the overwhelm.]
The thing is, overwhelm is really masking a deeper underlying feeling. Tired? Yes. Frustrated? Possibly. Afraid? Yep.
The feeling of fear is almost always underlying overwhelm. Fear of not living our lives with time to do the things we love, time to live life with energy, or time to be present with our people.
Really, the fear is about not having time.
Relieving the overwhelm is key. In my early twenties, the relief was not so positive. I did things like tune-out or binge eat on chocolate to absorb the underlying feelings. It wasn’t until my late twenties, where I started to learn some more effective tools of self-love where I was able to manage my real feelings by you know, feeling them. ;-)
So no matter how chaotic or busy life seems right now, I want to share with you 3 daily habits that will help prevent overwhelm. They are my go-to for releasing anxiety around everything I have going on, while ultimately creating more time for me.
1. Do a daily download. Write out any and every little thing you have to do for the day. Create a massive list. Just get it all out on paper. Laundry. Nails. Copies. Whatever you have to do. Write it all out.
2. Narrow down your TOP 3. Look back at your list. What are the top 3 things that will give you the most fulfillment in getting done today? What has to get done? Choose 3 things from your daily download list. Write it down.
3. Prioritize You. Go back to your top 3 and see if you added at least one thing to do for yourself. Workout? Meditate? Go for a walk? Whatever the thing is that you know you need to do for yourself, be sure you do it. Find a spot to fit in your top 3 today.
I always ask myself, how urgent are my to-do’s for other people? If I’m really being honest with myself, I usually see right away that I am prioritizing others before myself. I want you to get honest with yourself too. Ask yourself how much of your time are you giving away to others before doing something thing for you?
Creating a top 3 has become part of my daily routine. It gives me relief to visually see that among all the things I feel like I need to do, there are only a handful of things that really need to get done. Most of the other stuff can wait.
A powerful daily routine lays the foundation for how we do our day. For those of you who have not already accessed my Daily Routines Workbook, be sure to get yours below. It has all my tips and tricks for starting your day off in the right mind space.
My motto: It starts with how we start!