Why it has been hard to share my story online

As a life coach, I get out and do live speaking events often. Just this past winter, I flew to Denver for a keynote presentation where I taught a group of educators some of my favorite tools when it comes to mindfulness around the stories (AKA thoughts!) that we so often tell ourselves. As I stood in front of the men and women in that audience, I also touched on my upbringing. I shared about how I was taken away from my mom when I was 13. I shared about how much I felt her love despite her drug addiction. I talked about the years that followed spent in foster care. 

For some reason, when I am in front of others, it is easy to share these things.

I feel a bit of a safety in a room where I can see the faces in front of me. I feel more at ease talking about the hard things.

It happened again just last month at the Empowered and Free event where I gave another keynote presentation, this time in front of a group of women sharing all that I know to be true about self-care. I shared, with ease, how graduating from college was actually one of the hardest times of my life because I was completely on my own then. I shared about how I spent my entire life on the lookout for addictions and doing all that I could to avoid it. I shared about how I got sucked right in to an addiction of my own with the last thing I ever expected: food. 

Publicly sharing with people in real-time feels safer- it always has.

Maybe it is because after I share the tough parts, it goes with people as they leave. They carry it with them. There are no traces of my story online left for me to see. Left for people to quietly comment on.

One thing I know to be true however, is that sharing our stories is what connects us.

I feel it each and every time I am surrounded by others in a room. Hearing their stories, hearing their struggles and challenges, their hopes and dreams is what makes it all worth it. It’s what makes sharing completely worth it. 

I know now, that I also feel more ready than ever before to share my stories online. I think a big part of that is that I realize my direct purpose in sharing. 

It is for you, but it also for me.

It is to share the parts of my being that were once wounded and hurting, and have since healed. It is to share the journey, the struggle, and the coming through. It is to connect, it is to meet in the middle. It is to feel fully.

I am currently writing a memoir about my childhood. I am writing about my mom. My beautiful, vibrant, boisterous-laughing mama. It is hard. It is emotionally-taxing. It is also the most gratifying and soul-filling thing I have done to date.

You see, I am learning to trust my own journey in sharing. That what I share and when I share it, is in some way purposeful, and that even just one person out there might deeply need to hear it.

Next week on First + Foremost | The Podcast, I will be sharing more about my foster care upbringing as part of National Foster Care Month. It will be my first time sharing certain details “online” so-to-speak.

And I’m ready.

I’m ready to share my story.

It’s interesting to me how you can feel so much shame around certain life experiences as you go through them. I felt so much shame about being a foster child growing up. Or having an eating disorder in my twenties. These were stories of my past that for a long, long time I was not proud of.

Now, I look back on them with love. I know that they served a purpose in my own healing journey to get where I am today. Without these experiences, I would not have learned how to fully take care of myself in the way I do now, or how to treat myself with love, compassion, and kindness day in and day out.

We all have stories. 

You have stories too. 

My nudge to you today is to reflect on your stories.

What experiences in your life can you look back on with love for just how much growth they have brought into your life? How have you become stronger because of those very stories?

I’ll leave you with that today. 

Let’s love on what makes our lives rich with depth and complexity. 

Let’s cherish the key markers of our lives that have ultimately brought us to a deeper, more profound healing. 

Let’s trust that each experience truly was meant to give us something beautiful in return.

What if today were the day you...

What if today were the day you decided to radically accept yourself, complete flaws and all?
What if today
were the day you decided to radically accept your past as your past?
What if today
were the day you decided to radically accept that you are worthy of your own love?

These are the questions I want to send toward your consciousness.

Radical Acceptance is a term I learned years ago by the lovely author Tara Brach. She describes it as “clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind, and loving heart.”

We can be so hard on ourselves.

We can riddle ourselves with shame stories around the things we have done or continue to do that we are not proud of. We send ourselves into a whirlwind of guilt and frustration ruminating over and over again about the qualities we so deeply hate, the very same qualities that make us human.

We can notice what we want to change while maintaining an open heart of love towards what is currently there. The part within that feels so very broken still deserves love too.

This is radical self-love.

Choosing to love the part of you that feels unlovable.

To get where we want to be, we have to accept who we are right now.

We have to honor that we are worthy in the body we are in, in the flaws we inhibit, in the shortcomings we perceive. We are worthy of our own love.

Today I write this to you, hoping that you can find a way to love on and accept all of your parts. That while you grow into the person you so wish to be, that you are gentle and loving towards the part of you that may struggle from time to time, that may need to be reminded that she is still innately worth loving too.

Right now in this very moment.

 

My top 6 spring cleaning musts for self-care!

It’s time to get organized, clean up the junk, and create some zen. Spring is finally upon us, and today I am sharing with you my top 6 spring cleaning musts for self-care!

1. Spring clean your inbox!

We are kicking it off with the #1 game changer my inbox has seen all year. If you’re like me, you follow a LOT of brands and stores to keep track of fun promos and offers. And if you’re also like me, it drives you nuts to have to delete them all from your inbox daily. My spring-cleaning hack is to send these emails to a folder automatically in your inbox where you can periodically check in on your favorite brands when you feel like it! Say goodbye to the days where you spend a solid 5-10 minutes deleting promos and special offers. Here’s how to do it:

  • Create a new folder in your email inbox and call it “shopping” or “promos.”

  • Then, go into your settings in your gmail, click on “filters and blocked addresses.”
     
  • Finally, add the store in there you’d like to still get email from, but you’d like to not have pop up in your inbox daily. (Total transparency moment: I do this for my favorite brands like Anthropologie, West Elm, and Madewell. I pop in there only when I am buying something and want a discount code. The key here is that I am not tempted to buy something just because of a promotion, and instead, only seek it out when I want to shop!)

2. Become BFFs with Salvation Army.

Go through clothes, knick knacks, kitchen items, home goods, you name it! If you feel any lack-luster vibes from anything in your home, maybe it’s time to make it someone else’s treasure. My favorite spot to bring gently used items to is Salvation Army. I make a trip every season and will for sure be making one this spring. You can find a local drop off here.

3. Get on that shared google calendar life.

Let me just tell you how much this has benefited my relationship! My husband and I can each add events in our shared calendar and it just makes life a whole lot easier! Less back and forth with friends when we want to plan things. Whether you are in a relationship or single, or have key people in your life you find you are constantly asking whether or not they are free at specific time, then this spring cleaning self-care hack is for you. Simply look in the calendar to see when everyone is free and boom! Event planned.

4. Detox your home!

A few years back I learned just how toxic some home-cleaning chemicals can be.** From floor cleaners to multisurface cleaners, those plastic spray bottles contain some not-so-friendly ingredients. Below are two of my favorite home cleaner recipes:

ALL-PURPOSE CLEANING RECIPE  In a glass spray bottle, fill it with equal parts water and hydrogen peroxide. Add around 20 drops of your favorite essential oil (for home cleaners I love orange and lemongrass scents!). Shake it up before use and you are good to go!

FLOOR CLEANER RECIPE  In a big old bucket, I mix hot water with about 2-3 cups of vinegar. Yep, vinegar! Sure it is a bit pungent, but again you can add an essential oil if you like. The smell goes away as soon as it dries, and you can be rest assured knowing the air around you isn’t filled with harmful toxic chemicals.

*Not convinced yet? Spend a few minutes on Environmental Working Group to inform yourself on just how harmful our home products can be and what to replace them with instead!

5. Detox your makeup bag!

Honey love child if you have not cleaned out your makeup bag yet, please let this be one of the top self-care cleaning things you do to take care of yourself this spring. It pains my heart to tell you just how gnarly our makeup products can be. From parabens to allergens to endocrine disruptors, our makeup is T-O-X-I-C. And while we are on the topic, please give your entire beauty regime a little clean up. From your deodorant to your body wash to your concealer, educate yourself on the products to avoid.  Also, just because you buy it from an organic store, or it says “all-natural” doesn’t mean it is clean or safe for you and your body. There is a ton of information out there on this, and you can kind of go nuts reading about it, but I’ll leave you with this: start small. Choose one area to start cleaning out first. I started with revamping my makeup products years ago and then gradually went on to switching over my home cleaning items to eventually eating as organic and clean as possible (especially with meat and dairy products as they are loaded with hormones!). My favorite place to check out ingredients is through the Think Dirty App! You can quickly scan in the barcode as you are out shopping to see how clean or dirty the product is! It makes the hunt for a trade-off product so much easier!

6. Clean out your underwear drawer. Yea I said it..(Cue that Rihanna!).

When was the last time you went through your bras and undies? Or revisited your nightgowns and pajamas? After realizing I had been sleeping in an array of old t-shirts and sweats, literally back from my college days, I decided to treat myself to some new PJs and oh did it feel fantastic. A woman at one of my workshops shared that she had not worn her fancy bras or underwear in years because she had this mindset of saving them for a special occasion. She realized that it was time to bust them out now. Go through your nightly things and see what needs to go, what can come out and play, and what you want to add to the mix. I promise this one will be fun!

There you have it! My top 6 spring cleaning musts for self-care! Hop on over to Instagram and tell me what spring cleaning hack you’ll be taking on this year.

**I want to give a big shout out to Oregon Soap Shoppe for their powerful home cleaning demonstration where I learned about the recipes shared in today’s post!

4 Thoughts That Can Derail Your Success as a Business Owner

One of the greatest things we can do for ourselves is take inventory of our thoughts.  Typically in the work that I do with my coaching clients, thought work is right up there with some of the most important work. It is essential and critical that as a small business owner, or as someone thinking about starting up your own business, to get into the habit now of noticing the sneaky thoughts that, if left undetected, could derail your success and overall growth in your passion work. Here are the top 4 thoughts I encourage you to start looking out for, and the thoughts to swap in their place instead! 

1.  [BLANK] is so hard.

Things that are so hard: Instagram. Blogging. Eating healthy. Marketing. Working out. Starting a podcast. Getting clients. Having time for fun. Taking time out for me.

You get the picture. What I want you to start noticing and paying attention to is what are you telling yourself is so hard in your own thought funnel? When we have a thought that something is so hard, the first thing we go to in our minds is that it is impossible and that we cannot do it. It takes too much energy so therefore we end up fulfilling the idea by not getting to work.

There was a time my thought reel contained many of these “so hard” statements and the moment I would have these thoughts, the first thing my defeated-feeling self would think is to go on and NOT post on Instagram, or add another day of not starting the podcast, or skip the workout. When we tell ourselves something is so hard and it is goes undetected, we believe it as our truth… and when we believe it as our truth we act accordingly by staying away from the hard thing.

THOUGHT SWAP: One foot in front of the other. I am someone who figures things out.

2.  I am worried I won’t get enough clients. 

Just starting out in any new endeavor can stir up a ton of pain points and fear. It is challenging initially to put yourself out there and trust the slow build of “building” a business. But this sneaky little thought is a FANTASTIC opportunity to practice some big self-love.

Somewhere underneath “I am worried I won’t get enough clients” is “I am worried I won’t be enough” and underneath that is “I am not enough.” This is an example of living in a scarcity mindset which translates to fear. The thought represents the fear of not enough-ness, and what a beautiful opportunity, the moment you notice the thought is present, to talk back to yourself with some major self-love. You are enough. There are enough people out there for me, and you, and her, and him.

THOUGHT SWAP: There are so many people out there who need what I am offering (really!).

3. There’s someone out there doing it already.

This one is very similar to #3. If we are thinking this thought, we can gently remind ourselves that it is rooted in the notion of scarcity- that everyone in the world’s needs are already being met by someone else and there is no need for me to jump in the mix and start to meddle. How ridiculous does that sound by the way??

I want to remind you that you have a unique voice worth sharing, so don’t let fear get in the way and tell you that you cannot do it because someone else is already doing it.

The same way there is a Starbucks on just about every corner with a variety of homegrown, boutique style coffee shops mixed in shows us that there is a unique flavor for us all. Each one of the coffee shops has their own mix of customers who are devout and love what they are selling. The same will be true for you when you decide enough is enough already and that you too, are going to get out there and share your own service AKA your passion work.

THOUGHT SWAP: There is only one me and that means I am the only person who can sell, serve and provide precisely what I offer.

4. I am so overwhelmed.

On First + Foremost | The Podcast I recently talked about why saying we need to be on the lookout for when we notice ourselves saying we feel overwhelmed (care to give the episode a listen? Check it out here). It is essentially a masking word for another deeper feeling. Overwhelmed is so general and big that it does not truly capture what is going on. However, I now love noticing when I catch myself feeling “overwhelmed” because it is a great opportunity to check in and see what is actually happening by asking what is coming up for me? What is really going on? How is my body feeling - are there signals that maybe I am mad, or angry, or frustrated? It is great practice to start noticing how often the word pops up for you to get in the habit of really checking in to see what underlying emotion is there. The game I play now is when I notice I am feeling overwhelmed, I stop and try to name another more specific emotion in place of it.

THOUGHT SWAP: I am feeling _____ right now.

A final word: As someone running a full coaching practice, it is vital that I take the very best care of myself daily so that I can show up fully for my clients. Back when I was teaching, I too needed self-care in place because in order to be my most effective self as an educator, I needed to tend to my mind, thoughts, energy, and daily routines. I feel this times a million now as an entrepreneur. It is very easy on a day where I may be listening to these thoughts to get carried away and believe them to be true… and when I do, I stall. I don’t get work done. I freeze so to speak. If I made a habit of that, I would not have gotten where I am today in my work, no way. I have to show up daily for me first (and that is not selfish) in order to show up fully for my clients. I am able to pour myself into my passion work, and also still have energy reserves for my husband, friends, family and hobbies.

It all starts here. It all starts with noticing how we are talking to ourselves quietly in our minds, and really exploring how we can take even more intentional care of ourselves, so that we can ultimately take care of our businesses too.

 

How to push past your self-doubt (finally!)

Self-doubt.

We all know it.

Sometimes it shows up when we are about to post a photo to our Instagram.
I have nothing good to say about this picture.

Sometimes it shows up when we are about to write a newsletter or blog post.
I can’t think of anything to write.

And sometimes it shows up when something good happens to us (we get a new inquiry or lead, somebody says yes, or wants to work with us).
They probably aren’t going to stick around long or want to work with me.

Sound familiar? (Ohhh yes.)

These are the sneaky little statements that oftentimes interject themselves right into our thought stream. If they go undetected they have the potential to derail us from moving forward and going on towards the thing that we are really wanting.

Like the Instagram tribe. Or showing up frequently and regularly for our people via our blog or newsletter. And clients! Yes the clients!

But I want to tell you a little something, something my friend.

You are a savvy business owner. Yes, you. Whether you are just getting started or are a few years in, that savvy business owner is already present within you. Can we agree right here and now to make this the year where you decide to stop letting self-doubt get in your way?

Really. I want you to make a pact with yourself right now in this moment that you are not going to let your inner fear girl run the show.

Your fear girl is that voice inside that is scared. She is afraid of you failing. She is afraid of you embarrassing yourself. She is afraid of getting hurt.

And instead of getting angry that she has been running the show in the first place… let’s love on her. Let’s talk back to her kindly and with compassion and tell her this:

"Thank you very much for trying to protect me. I know that you are just looking out for me. But I got it from here. I trust that whatever is on the other side of fear is worth finding out. I got it from here."

This voice right here is love. SELF-LOVE. It is that part of you deep down that believes in you more than anyone. It is that part that totally has your back and, like your fear girl, is working to protect you. The major difference is that she believes and trusts that YOU GOT THIS. That you are somebody who figures things out.

And you are somebody who figures things out my friend.

I’m sending you waves of love as you make 2018 your best year yet- as you make this the year where you start noticing your self-doubt arise, and tell her that it is okay.

You got it from here.